What’s Outside the Tunnel?
This is the first substantial piece of writing I’ve done in a while.
It used to be something I did on a regular, but like reading, it’s slowly slipping away from me.
I think it’s important to figure out why I’ve lost interest over time. The obvious reason is that I am very busy and stressed out. I recognize that thinking I don’t have time to read or write is a huge trap, but it’s one I keep falling into, indicating that something has to be done to correct the issue. So this is my attempt at figuring it all out.
My engagement with the academic environment accounts for a large percentage of my motivation or lack of. My institution’s law program, as well as legal programs throughout the country, is very competitive. It’s a difficult course filled with really brilliant people. To put it plainly, just keeping up with the course load takes a lot of time and is extremely stressful. We spend most of our waking hours engaged in an environment where people are very driven, to the point of brutal competition. No one can escape the talk about who got offers from the top firms, how people are stressed out preparing for interviews with other reputable firms, how many hours so-and-so spends studying each week for their interviews, how difficult this and that exam was, how difficult the class project is, and how you’re probably way behind, and so on.
We live in a world that prioritizes brand-name businesses and large wages above making a good impact and living a healthy lifestyle. We are concerned about courting corporations that have a dominating market position. We seem to be hurrying to the top of an unending mountain, with little or no time to rest or enjoy ourselves along the way.
We’ve got a bad case of tunnel vision. When we get those offers, though, the sweet dopamine surge helps us forget about everything else, and we conclude it was all worth it. Until we get unhappy with where we are and decide to set higher objectives for ourselves.
However, I appreciate the competition in this profession in many ways. I enjoy being around people who are extremely knowledgeable and enthusiastic about their work. Weirdly, I thrive in situations that encourage me to stretch my limits. I enjoy the promise that if I work hard and take risks, I can make a name for myself in the world.
When I consider what I’d have to give up to compete at that level, it just doesn’t make sense. No, I don’t want to be that guy who has to say “no” almost every time her friends ask her to do something because she’s too busy doing things she doesn’t want to do. I don’t want to be the guy who jeopardizes her sleep and health. I grew up thinking the best of both worlds was a thing, but it doesn’t seem practical right now,
Taking a step back and contemplating, I understand that living a one-dimensional life will not benefit me in the long run. I don’t want to look back on what will be some of the most memorable years of my life and just remember how tiresome and uninteresting it all was. Rather than struggling through classes and preparing for interviews, I’d like to play a different game.
I’m beginning to understand that I don’t have to play that game any more. So I’m making an effort to take a step back. I have other goals than trying to obtain A’s and outperform my peers. Developing strong and real social and professional networks, extending my perspective via new interests and new people, and learning to relax are some of the things I’d like to experience.
Burnout is a real problem, and it has a bigger impact on us than we think.
Even the most extreme act of disobedience is considered a failure when the whole world tells you that time is limited and that you must always be active in order to make the most of it. Even the most extreme act of disobedience is regarded as a failure.
However, if taking the time to understand what a normal lifestyle entails for me and avoiding being involved in life objectives that were never really mine is deemed a failure, then it is time to fail. There will be some faltering and I will be afraid, but I feel this is quite natural. While it is true that you may have fallen several times while learning to ride a bike, this does not necessarily suggest that you were not built for it. I’ve spent most of my life riding on someone else’s bike, and I’m tired of it. I’d like to learn to ride a bike on my own someday, and these are great years to accomplish that.
